In current months, freelance author Chanté Joseph seen a stunning pattern on her social media feeds: Ladies had stopped posting footage of their boyfriends.
For a very long time, boyfriend pics have been good social media fodder. Whether or not on trip or chilling at residence, these photographs despatched a message of heterosexual bliss, of contented couplehood. A world, as Joseph wrote, “the place girls’s on-line identities centered across the lives of their companions, a scenario not often seen reversed.”
However then the boyfriends disappeared. You would possibly see a hand, or a shadow, or the again of a head. However the faces of those males have been cropped out or blurred out, “as in the event that they wish to erase the very fact they exist with out really not posting them.”
Ladies have been residing their lives, and their guys now not served their private manufacturers.
Joseph puzzled this out in an article for Vogue referred to as “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” The piece went viral, sparking a wave of TikTok discourse and prompting a follow-up story a few weeks later.
At present, Defined host Astead Herndon referred to as Joseph as much as discuss her piece, the response it obtained, and the state of heterosexual relationship now.
You wrote what I might assume is among the most memorable items of the 12 months, a chunk for Vogue that went viral in 2025, particularly a few query that you just put into the zeitgeist. Are you able to inform me concerning the piece?
The piece was primarily asking this query if having a boyfriend has misplaced the social standing it as soon as offered girls. And I used to be analyzing this by way of the lens of social media.
I used to be wanting on the approach that ladies are very personal about posting their romantic companions on-line. Lots of people have been sticking emojis over their boyfriend’s heads. We’ve all seen this and I feel it began to ramp up, after which it turned a little bit little bit of a parody the place folks would simply edit out their boyfriend’s heads utterly.
However then I seen that individuals would submit their marriage ceremony movies or they might submit their engagement movies and pictures. They have been edited in a approach that you just by no means knew what the husband seemed like. And I used to be like, “Okay, that is feeling a bit excessive.”
You’re noticing one thing that has actually change into clear on the timeline. I bear in mind boyfriend reveals or issues like that, nevertheless it’s gone to outright hiding. So what did your piece discover and what did you even imply by “embarrassing”?
So I discovered mainly three issues.
The primary was, folks mentioned they didn’t wish to do that merely for privateness causes. And I questioned, “Effectively, why is it solely this space of your life?” After which they might go on to say, “Effectively, if I posted my boyfriend and he cheated on me subsequent week and I had to return and delete the photographs…I’d need to cope with the disgrace of that.”
However then there have been girls who simply outright thought the concept of getting a boyfriend was inherently embarrassing as a result of it didn’t align with the model. Lots of people felt like “if I submit my boyfriend on Instagram or on social media, I’m indicating one thing about me to the world that I don’t need folks to know.”
Within the piece, one of many feedback that I quote is this concept of somebody saying, “Why does having a boyfriend really feel Republican?” I feel it’s the best way that the heterosexual romantic relationship has nearly been co-opted a little bit bit by the correct. It feels historically very conservative. I really feel like I’m aligning to this concept of the world that doesn’t actually really feel pure to me.
I used to be going to ask particularly about how we must always take into consideration this alongside rising developments like “tradwives” and others. Are this stuff which can be occurring on the similar time? Are these simply totally different communities?
I feel they’re occurring on the similar time. I take into consideration the response to my piece — whether or not it’s from the boys who have been simply actually indignant that I may ever discuss disparagingly about males or the ladies who have been very pleased with their relationships — feeling as if [it] was an assault on them.
I feel the best way we discuss relationships on-line has modified a lot. I used to be speaking concerning the ReesaTeesa “Who the fuck did I marry?” [series] or the “Danish Deception,” these girls coming on-line making these 60-part TikTok movies, detailing all the horrible issues which have occurred to them.
West Elm Caleb. I do not forget that one.
All of this stuff. So there isn’t any phantasm across the fantasy anymore. And so I feel that has gripped lots of people.
You probably did a call-out in your Instagram, and the responses from followers mentioned that there was “an awesome sense…that whatever the relationship, being with a person was nearly a responsible factor to do.” So are we speaking right here nearly, like, disgrace of heterosexuality partnerships? It looks like straightness is on the core of this.
Oh yeah, one hundred pc. And I feel that is what actually upset folks as properly. We don’t discuss heterosexuality on this approach. We very a lot see it as a norm. That is simply the best way to be in society. And so we must always by no means actually query what’s happening right here.
However really, I used to be like, no, it’s deeper than that. So one of many inspirations behind this piece was a ebook by professor Jane Ward. Her ebook known as The Tragedy of Heterosexuality, and within the ebook, she has a chapter that’s devoted to the issues that queer folks say behind their straight buddies’ backs.
And it was completely fascinating to get into the notion of straightness, straight folks, and straight tradition. And I feel the concept of embarrassment positively got here from studying that and actually realizing the ways in which, yeah, straight tradition could be very embarrassing.
What do you assume we’ve discovered about straight relationships from this episode?
I feel what I’ve discovered is that individuals are nonetheless making an attempt to assert the privilege that being in a relationship, notably a straight relationship, provides them. And I feel for some folks, their anger to this piece was about them realizing that they may lose this privilege, and they won’t have many different privileges. And so dropping this seems like an enormous deal.
Do you are feeling such as you’ve come by way of this pondering boyfriends are roughly embarrassing?
Have you learnt what? I feel I’ve come away pondering that they’re extra embarrassing. I can’t lie as a result of the boys are being embarrassing, and the ladies with boyfriends upset about this piece are much more embarrassing. So I’m like, rattling, I may need to double down.
